Another Identity in the System

Thank you to everyone who remembered me on my birthday (two days ago). So much has gone on since I last updated, and I have some paperwork for the University to finish up before I can truly relax.

Jerry came back sometime in the afternoon on Saturday to get clothes, food, and mutter something about how badly I have ruined his life, with this "family and all". Very strange behaviour. Yesterday, he showed up at family therapy while I was describing to the doctor all that had happened over the weekend and how I had my suspicions that this was another one of his acts where he pretends to be mad at me for days only to give me a new nose screw or a real wedding band or some other present that would mean a lot to me. But not this time. I spent my birthday alone, in bed, recovering from falling in the tub the night before and hurting my knee. Sadly, none of the pain killers I have really kill pain, but they do make me good and nauseated every time I take them.

The doctor talked with Jerry privately in his office, then I watched Jerry walk away, out of the clinic, and that was the last I saw of him. The doctor called me back in and explained to me that another member of the system has shown up. Possibly from a dream Friday night/Saturday morning, and when Chloe woke us up, Jerry has disassociated into this person, who dislikes me immensely, doesn't want kids or a family, and in their own little world they aren't married.

The fuck ... ?

This is the major snag in our relationship.

Jerry has never hit me, that was Trevor.
Jerry has never attempted suicide, that was Alexander.
Jerry has never stolen drugs from my parents, that was Stephen.
Jerry has never hit Chloe, that was Trevor again.

I know I'm on a lot of anti-depressants, have been in two asylums for evaluations, and I tend to take a little more narcotics than needed for my pain problems, to the point where I feel like a junky, but does anyone else get the feeling that this whole disassociate identity disorder diagnosis is a little too convenient? An excuse for bad behaviour? A get-out-of-jail free card for being hateful to me and the kids whenever he wants or needs a "break" from the family? I agree that people should take breaks from their families, children, spouses for a few days or weeks, but at least own up to what you are doing. Don't beat the shit out of your wife and daughter who love you dearly, then a few days later, pretend you know nothing of it, and then find a letter from "Trevor" confessing to it all.

I expressed this to the doctor, and he said that he felt the same way, at first. Then he saw that Trevor was left handed - Jerry is not - Trevor could legibly write with his left hand, something that Jerry cannot do when he is not Trevor. Trevor cannot paint, draw or sculpt like Jerry does. The doctor assured me that this was completely normal for DID behaviour, and if I felt threatened, I needed to work on how I deal with the others in the system. In other words, it's best that I not anger people whom I can't see or tell the difference from them or my husband. I wish I could joke about this and say that it makes for interesting dinner conversations, because you never know who is going to show up, but it doesn't. It just really frustrates me.

Chloe feels that she is the reason the family may not stay together. I am looking into options lately, and I'll write more when I see that I have found some options, good or bad. For those of you who were not reading my site or journal back in 2005, Chloe bonded deeply with her daddy, because I had staph infections, blood infections, and other problems, and couldn't come home as early as I was supposed to. So Jerry took our daughter home, and for the first month or so of her life, was her soul caregiver. She clings to him. Then this shit happens. Or the deal with those stupid doughnuts, where she jumped over the seat in the car and squashed the box of doughnuts and got slapped, in the face, hard, for several seconds. I wasn't able to intervene with that one, but it happened, nevertheless. Of course, Trevor did it. *eye roll* Jerry is back with the guys on the road, for now. Nick called and told me he's still Trevor, so there's no point in me calling yet. Yes, this whole thing sucks. Chloe doesn't understand why her daddy is mad at her all of a sudden. I also have a bad feeling that she's been sick before (she had heat-related sickness, because her father and granddad left her and the boys out in the backyard while I was at my evaluations, with just a wading pool and a bag of chips, in 100-degree heat. Intelligent men, huh? No sunblock. No hats. 12-16 hours in the heat.), and she's been hiding it.

Richard gave me today and tomorrow off, but I have to work through the weekend, and then it's just computer programming work for the rest of the week/month. Next month I think I'll go a little easier on the students.

As always, opinions, suggestions, support, love, whatnot, is welcome in the comments.

Thank you to everyone who remembered me on my birthday (two days ago). So much has gone on since I last updated, and I have some paperwork for the University to finish up before I can truly relax.

Jerry came back sometime in the afternoon on Saturday to get clothes, food, and mutter something about how badly I have ruined his life, with this "family and all". Very strange behaviour. Yesterday, he showed up at family therapy while I was describing to the doctor all that had happened over the weekend and how I had my suspicions that this was another one of his acts where he pretends to be mad at me for days only to give me a new nose screw or a real wedding band or some other present that would mean a lot to me. But not this time. I spent my birthday alone, in bed, recovering from falling in the tub the night before and hurting my knee. Sadly, none of the pain killers I have really kill pain, but they do make me good and nauseated every time I take them.

The doctor talked with Jerry privately in his office, then I watched Jerry walk away, out of the clinic, and that was the last I saw of him. The doctor called me back in and explained to me that another member of the system has shown up. Possibly from a dream Friday night/Saturday morning, and when Chloe woke us up, Jerry has disassociated into this person, who dislikes me immensely, doesn't want kids or a family, and in their own little world they aren't married.

The fuck ... ?

This is the major snag in our relationship.

Jerry has never hit me, that was Trevor.
Jerry has never attempted suicide, that was Alexander.
Jerry has never stolen drugs from my parents, that was Stephen.
Jerry has never hit Chloe, that was Trevor again.

I know I'm on a lot of anti-depressants, have been in two asylums for evaluations, and I tend to take a little more narcotics than needed for my pain problems, to the point where I feel like a junky, but does anyone else get the feeling that this whole disassociate identity disorder diagnosis is a little too convenient? An excuse for bad behaviour? A get-out-of-jail free card for being hateful to me and the kids whenever he wants or needs a "break" from the family? I agree that people should take breaks from their families, children, spouses for a few days or weeks, but at least own up to what you are doing. Don't beat the shit out of your wife and daughter who love you dearly, then a few days later, pretend you know nothing of it, and then find a letter from "Trevor" confessing to it all.

I expressed this to the doctor, and he said that he felt the same way, at first. Then he saw that Trevor was left handed - Jerry is not - Trevor could legibly write with his left hand, something that Jerry cannot do when he is not Trevor. Trevor cannot paint, draw or sculpt like Jerry does. The doctor assured me that this was completely normal for DID behaviour, and if I felt threatened, I needed to work on how I deal with the others in the system. In other words, it's best that I not anger people whom I can't see or tell the difference from them or my husband. I wish I could joke about this and say that it makes for interesting dinner conversations, because you never know who is going to show up, but it doesn't. It just really frustrates me.

Chloe feels that she is the reason the family may not stay together. I am looking into options lately, and I'll write more when I see that I have found some options, good or bad. For those of you who were not reading my site or journal back in 2005, Chloe bonded deeply with her daddy, because I had staph infections, blood infections, and other problems, and couldn't come home as early as I was supposed to. So Jerry took our daughter home, and for the first month or so of her life, was her soul caregiver. She clings to him. Then this shit happens. Or the deal with those stupid doughnuts, where she jumped over the seat in the car and squashed the box of doughnuts and got slapped, in the face, hard, for several seconds. I wasn't able to intervene with that one, but it happened, nevertheless. Of course, Trevor did it. *eye roll* Jerry is back with the guys on the road, for now. Nick called and told me he's still Trevor, so there's no point in me calling yet. Yes, this whole thing sucks. Chloe doesn't understand why her daddy is mad at her all of a sudden. I also have a bad feeling that she's been sick before (she had heat-related sickness, because her father and granddad left her and the boys out in the backyard while I was at my evaluations, with just a wading pool and a bag of chips, in 100-degree heat. Intelligent men, huh? No sunblock. No hats. 12-16 hours in the heat.), and she's been hiding it.

Richard gave me today and tomorrow off, but I have to work through the weekend, and then it's just computer programming work for the rest of the week/month. Next month I think I'll go a little easier on the students.

As always, opinions, suggestions, support, love, whatnot, is welcome in the comments.